I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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