so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
