I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
