we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
last night I used snow as a chaser
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
