i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
