i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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