She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
