Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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