i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
