he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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