Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Randomize
