I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Randomize
