i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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