I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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