We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
