I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
