i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
