I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
