so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
