I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
