You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
