Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
