quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
