And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Shame is for Republicans.
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