why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
