you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
did you just send me my own nude
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
