Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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