Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
