with your own penis?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
