I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize