i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
