Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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