Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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