i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
