Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
