I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
