It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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