I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
