how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
