im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
