you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Sponge bath it is.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
