Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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