Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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