Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
someone owes me an orgasm
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
