There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
