do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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