you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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