if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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