Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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