no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
