he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
