If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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