i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
