Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
