sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
