Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
