we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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