your parents love me but you hate me
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
