I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
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I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
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I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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