I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
