1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
