Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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