The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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