I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
