yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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