When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
