Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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